Friendships and Marbles

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Growing up, there was an awesome girl group called TLC. They sung about the climate of our culture, things that might have been in the minds of young adults during the 90’s, like using condoms, cheating, and the value of good friends. “What About Your Friends” was one of my favorite songs. The chorus running: “What about your friends, will they stand their ground, will they let you down again? What about your friends, are they going to be low down, will they ever be around, or will they turn their backs on you?”

At the time, I was just singing a song, but as an adult, I realize how important having answers to these questions about your friends really is. Are your friends going to be consistent and stand their ground for themselves and for you? Are your friends going to let you down or intentionally try to hurt you? Do your friends talk behind your back or do mean things to you, covertly? Will they be around through your tough times or will they leave you when your feelings become inconvenient?

No one can expect perfection from anyone, so you may find that if you answered those questions pertaining to your friends, at some point, your friend did one or more of these things. As Brene Brown questions in her OWN talk The Anatomy of Trust, what do your friends’ trust marble jars look like? Are they full of marbles because they were around when you needed them, they supported you during a tough time in your life, or they kept your secret? Each time your friends do things that reveal their truth and show they can be trusted, you, unconsciously, for the most part, place a marble in their jar.

The jar does not have to be perfectly filled, but if it is perfectly depleted, you will need to consider if this person is really a friend. I think you can safely say, “no,” if there are no marbles to be found. This applies to ourselves too. Are we being our own friend so that there are marbles in our own jar?? How do we treat ourselves?

Consistent self care is one way you can put more marbles in your jar. Take time to nourish yourself everyday. Do the things that build you up, say nice things to yourself, and stay around to listen to yourself when feelings within become uncomfortable. Doing these things will remind you that you are worthy of having people in your life who really care about you because you care about yourself.

The people we spend time with and the things we do, who or what we welcome into our space, and share our lives and attention with have an effect on us. The choices we make about who or what stays in the fold or not is important. If you are in a relationship and feeling depleted, take a look at the marbles in this person’s marble jar, and then take a look at marbles in your own. There is absolutely no reason to have “friends” who do not consider you, and there is absolutely no way to be a friend to yourself unless you do.

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