The S P A C E in Between

When Boston and I rang the cancer-free bell, 2010 

Do you ever notice that as soon as we think we know something, it changes, or we realize we don’t really know it? Lately, I have noticed this in my life. Working through disease, this tends to happen quicker,  be more noticeable. And the train keeps on, the vat of information, wisdom, love, going deeper; there appears to always be one more door. The Universe is amazing that way. Colors are vast in tone. What God creates is beyond human capacity, in my opinion. We dream an idea that we can see only so deeply, and then Source takes over. The fact that we think we will know what will happen next is incredulous. But we keep trying, trying to do it our way, don't we?

As I heal, open to a cure for a disease that I was diagnosed with nine years ago, this chronic form of leukemia has afforded me a front row to see spaces. The space between the last cycle of chemotherapy, the last blood transfusion, the last hospital, or doctor seen. I have been through chemotherapy two different times now in the last decade, each time, each day, and time in between, different. This, a reminder of how much I do not know, can not know. A reminder which allows me to find space between what I think should or shouldn’t be happening.

I am blessed. I have 28 days between treatments, or that is the aim, for 6 months, with three days of chemotherapy treatments; that is the cycle. Still if my blood work comes back with insufficient funds (low red blood cells, hemoglobin, or platelets) that interrupts the plan. The first time I went through chemo, I had two blood transfusions. This time I have seen four so far. What do I know? What I thought would be the same, shows me something else, the leukemia cells in my bone marrow more accustomed to the medicine, making its effect different. As my doctor explains it, the leukemia has seen this combination of medicine 27 times now. Yes, there have been spaces in between each one, but still, from the first time to now, 27 bags of each medicine.

I even thought that I'd be able to guess what my numbers would be like based on how I felt. On one occasion, Staci (hubby) and I went to the oncology center and waited to be seen, knowing something was awry. My head was pounding, like a marching band was passing through, and my heart was beating quickly with the percussion section, as I turned over in bed to say good morning. My blood work was low. Still, I can not say I know what these numbers will be. Even now as I write this, half way through, having had three of the six cycles, I await a blood transfusion tomorrow, and I feel strong, no headache, no heart palpitations, which is not usually the case. What do I know?

For the three days that I receive medicine each cycle, my “Golden Nectar” (Thanks, Ginger for the new words) all sorts of things happen. Because the medicine is strong, my cells have a keen response. During my second round of chemo, I literally felt cells dying. I had lots of stinky gas, belched a lot. I felt my body weakened; my mind scrambled. But, on this, the third round with my heart and gaze stayed on Jesus, a fast before treatment, my acupuncturist cooking up the herbs and applying needles to the right points, I feel strong, though my blood work tells a deficient story. What do I know? It's quite funny. I have to thank God for being in control. I never know what will happen during this time or during the 28 days that follow as a result. I have to create space or I create resistance.

So I do my best to find the in between and flow through the spaces. Meditation has helped a lot. Prayer has been important. Leaning on those who support me, and allowing them in my strong moments to lean back, churns the gyre, or vortex, in its perfect time. I have learned to take patience; it is a peace that everyone can feel more comfortable moving within. If I bring patience with me, share it with those around me, I feel better and so do others in space as we help each other to grow.

Can you relate? Do you see some of these ideas in your moments as you seek equilibrium?

That is what we are all doing from moment to moment, in the space of transition, of agitation, of pressure….So we work with the moment, in the space, in between things to remind ourselves that everything is not in our control, but it is OK. The elements that make up everything are governed by more than us.

It is easier to see space between things when we look towards the seasons and how each element behaves within them. How earth, water, fire, air, and ether in different combinations behave differently as they feed off of one another in varying degrees, and how they becoming frustrated to change, one into the next. These are the qualities of life in the body and in all matter; they too are always headed toward balance.

In yoga (Sanskrit) the five elements or qualities of life are called the Tattvas. A parable that is often told about a seeker helps illustrate them clearly.

“He [the seeker] first learned from Mother Earth. Just as a child’s first teacher is his mother. Mother Earth taught the seeker. She taught the lesson of forgiveness. For even though man heaps mountains of waste and pollution on Mother Earth, she gives in return valuable minerals and food without which man could not survive. He learned the lesson that for all the abuse, criticism and negativity the seeker receives from the outside world, he should give the benefit of his spiritual essence, knowledge of self, and loving forgiveness.

Water taught him to be cool and compassionate to others, and it taught him to wash clean and purify all who come into contact with him. Just as water is always flowing, the seeker should be continuously flowing and progressive, never stagnant.

Fire was his third teacher. Fire is bright. A seeker should burn with spiritual illumination to cleanse the impurities within him. Fire drives away cold and gives warmth and heat. Just so, the seeker should remove the people’s fear and dread of ignorance (as well as his own), and give them comfort.

Wind taught him to be unattached. He should constantly be on the move to reach as many mature souls as possible. The wind is subtle, not perceptible to the eye. The seeker’s ways should be subtle, not an open book for all to read. He should be a mystic, living in the depths of the spirit, no[t] on the surface of existence.

The sky, which is all-pervading, taught him to remain pure and unsullied, and it taught him subtlety. For ether is the most subtle of the five gross elements. Similarly, the Self is also subtle. The clouds of the sky only appear to color it. In reality it is forever blue. The dirt of this life only appears to soil the spirit. In reality, the spirit can never be soiled by anything.

He became one of the greatest teachers because he consciously related his unconscious essences – the powerful influence of his five elements – to these five corresponding teachers of the universe.”
( http://www.arkundalini.com/home/more-kundalini-yoga-information/the-five-tattvas )

Let us fully embody all that we are, beyond words. Find space in between the things we think we know. Acknowledge, we are not in control of everything, and we are not supposed to be. The rabbit hole goes deep. We do not have to follow anything to a fictitious bottom or ceiling. We are designed to thrive, to lead, not chase, but rather receive, learn, and grow. May we soar this way in the space where there is joy. If you are reaching for a destination, there isn’t one. The space in between where you are now, and will be, is sublimely an opportunity to reconnect with how awesome you are and will be, and how ever changing and eternal you are.

So, dust yourself off now, dear one. Let go of what you think will be, walk, no, float in the space between. As soon as you think, “yes, I got it,” reassess what you think you know, again, and let go, again. To be made in this image, We can, if We accept, be OK with the necessary transitions of life as we become more, see more, learn more.

In between with You,

-Courtney