Integrating My Left and My Right
We have many layers to our lives in the body. We have skin, facia, tissue, muscles, bones, organs, networks, systems, channels, physical and subtle levels too. We have sides, front and back, left and right. We are round and dense in places and yet light. Always pulsing and changing, dropping and picking up. Becoming. We are energy, possess energy and live due to the amount of energy we can kindle.
How can we be doing all of this at once? For most of this occurs without our thought. When it does become a thought of what we should do next, what is it that has transpired? So much happens without our direct attention or control, until it doesn't.
We can do something when our layers “break down.”
There is hope in every situation. But I know, that thought is not always easy to find, and often when we think it, it can be maddening, if we are not in the right heart/head space. If we can bring the right and the left together for clarity, we can follow the intuitive bread crumbs to the next best things to do.
Let me explain with a little story.
I am not sure when I stopped feeling my sides, but I started notice I lost them as I would teach. I would tell students to do the same side twice, not remembering through my feelers that we had already done that side. For a time, I thought I was dyslexic with my sides, if that's a thing. My right side always felt like my left. Cerebrally, I could not find my sides, and physically I could not feel them either. I was confused even about my sexuality for a time. I could not see/ feel myself beyond attraction, primal and root senses. This was a scary place for me. I rummaged through my past like, “What the hell happened to me? I must have been hurt by someone to shut down in such a way that I no longer knew myself” I conjured. I found nothing. I asked family. They said, “nothing.” No one had answers, not even me.
Then, I realized that this was not happening to me. I had just stopped feeling the things that I was doing and thus all that I am. I’d stopped integrating the things that I knew to be true about me or had never determined to start. By God’s grace it was happening, like the systems do until they don’t. I was neglecting myself, holding on to the things/ thoughts that came to comfort my ego, my sense of myself. I held tight to faulty beliefs until one day, I could remember, the hope in every situation began with remembering. I started to breathe into the fear and anxiety or whatever else was there for me. I decided to breathe into the feelings that were now. I forgave myself for believing those things would break me, and for at some point along the way, seeing or being told/ or feeling something that made me believe it was helpful not to see or hear or feel if it didn't feel good. I was wrong! Feeling is the beginning of integrating.
So, what is integration?
My husband has recently started asking me at the end of each day, “What have you learned?” At first this was startling. I knew that I’d learned things, but the lessons weren’t in a neat little gift bow ready to share. Some of my lessons were secrets. Some of my lessons would absolutely show the baseness of me: my grime. (I mean if you’re going to share the lesson, you have to explain, right?)
So, I’ve been sharing. Not just with him at the end of the day, but with God. And when I share with God, I deliberately ask forgiveness and for Him to take any and all burden. Awww. I can’t even explain how much lighter that can make one. Then I breathe into the lesson. Sometimes, I cry or laugh about it, because it was silly, and as I utter what I want to release, I know just how silly it is or how important it is to let go.
Years ago, I was reminded of the fact that the pose begins when you want to come out. [That is unless you are feeling P.A.I.N., Pay Attention Integrate Now, or in other words, AWW STOP DOING THAT(ASDT).] However, if you are not feeling pain and you still want to run from a pose or a conversation or a situation, you should stay to integrate the feeling: to explore and learn about and move through the feelings that reside.
To integrate means that the truth left behind within the layers at any given time, you stay to investigate, and absorb as you transform it into positive energy. The alternative is negative energy, which leaves you depleted and confused. If you are too afraid to explore more of your depth, no one else will either and it will be untapped you, just hanging out there in the balance, becoming so subtle you don’t hear it anymore.
Integration is learning more about yourself and others through placing the pieces in the places on the level at which you have ”control”. Integration clears and allows energy to move in and through; it leaves space for the truth and allows the things you don’t need to fall away.
I still mess up on my right and my left. I don’t beat myself up about it anymore. I integrate. I do better. The space between Me and me is the true journey. It just has a lot of layers and pieces, muscles and bones. I’m OK with that. Such is life.
How can we be doing all of this at once? For most of this occurs without our thought. When it does become a thought of what we should do next, what is it that has transpired? So much happens without our direct attention or control, until it doesn't.
We can do something when our layers “break down.”
There is hope in every situation. But I know, that thought is not always easy to find, and often when we think it, it can be maddening, if we are not in the right heart/head space. If we can bring the right and the left together for clarity, we can follow the intuitive bread crumbs to the next best things to do.
Let me explain with a little story.
I am not sure when I stopped feeling my sides, but I started notice I lost them as I would teach. I would tell students to do the same side twice, not remembering through my feelers that we had already done that side. For a time, I thought I was dyslexic with my sides, if that's a thing. My right side always felt like my left. Cerebrally, I could not find my sides, and physically I could not feel them either. I was confused even about my sexuality for a time. I could not see/ feel myself beyond attraction, primal and root senses. This was a scary place for me. I rummaged through my past like, “What the hell happened to me? I must have been hurt by someone to shut down in such a way that I no longer knew myself” I conjured. I found nothing. I asked family. They said, “nothing.” No one had answers, not even me.
Then, I realized that this was not happening to me. I had just stopped feeling the things that I was doing and thus all that I am. I’d stopped integrating the things that I knew to be true about me or had never determined to start. By God’s grace it was happening, like the systems do until they don’t. I was neglecting myself, holding on to the things/ thoughts that came to comfort my ego, my sense of myself. I held tight to faulty beliefs until one day, I could remember, the hope in every situation began with remembering. I started to breathe into the fear and anxiety or whatever else was there for me. I decided to breathe into the feelings that were now. I forgave myself for believing those things would break me, and for at some point along the way, seeing or being told/ or feeling something that made me believe it was helpful not to see or hear or feel if it didn't feel good. I was wrong! Feeling is the beginning of integrating.
So, what is integration?
My husband has recently started asking me at the end of each day, “What have you learned?” At first this was startling. I knew that I’d learned things, but the lessons weren’t in a neat little gift bow ready to share. Some of my lessons were secrets. Some of my lessons would absolutely show the baseness of me: my grime. (I mean if you’re going to share the lesson, you have to explain, right?)
So, I’ve been sharing. Not just with him at the end of the day, but with God. And when I share with God, I deliberately ask forgiveness and for Him to take any and all burden. Awww. I can’t even explain how much lighter that can make one. Then I breathe into the lesson. Sometimes, I cry or laugh about it, because it was silly, and as I utter what I want to release, I know just how silly it is or how important it is to let go.
Years ago, I was reminded of the fact that the pose begins when you want to come out. [That is unless you are feeling P.A.I.N., Pay Attention Integrate Now, or in other words, AWW STOP DOING THAT(ASDT).] However, if you are not feeling pain and you still want to run from a pose or a conversation or a situation, you should stay to integrate the feeling: to explore and learn about and move through the feelings that reside.
To integrate means that the truth left behind within the layers at any given time, you stay to investigate, and absorb as you transform it into positive energy. The alternative is negative energy, which leaves you depleted and confused. If you are too afraid to explore more of your depth, no one else will either and it will be untapped you, just hanging out there in the balance, becoming so subtle you don’t hear it anymore.
Integration is learning more about yourself and others through placing the pieces in the places on the level at which you have ”control”. Integration clears and allows energy to move in and through; it leaves space for the truth and allows the things you don’t need to fall away.
I still mess up on my right and my left. I don’t beat myself up about it anymore. I integrate. I do better. The space between Me and me is the true journey. It just has a lot of layers and pieces, muscles and bones. I’m OK with that. Such is life.
